You Knew Me

You beat me with your indifference,

Bludgeoned me with your silence,

And broke me when you said "enough."

We were years in the making.

You knew me completely.

You could read me better than I would like to admit.

We were not close - we were intertwined.

People say that the memories will stop to flood every second of my day soon enough.

What they don't know is that you were a part of every piece of my life for nearly a decade.

You knew every one of my quirks.

You loved them at some point.

And then what?

I fought for you with every ounce of energy that I had.

I stepped out of my comfortable world of peace and contentment.

I wanted us to be the best that we could - wanted nothing to go unsaid.

You sacrificed so much to be with me

And then as soon as I could, I did the same.

And then, for the first time, you looked at me with your cold stare of indifference.

One moment around you used to melt away my daily stresses.

But after that stare - that first cold gaze, each moment with you was riddled with insecurity.

It became a constant struggle.

Did the fight weed out your heart?

Somewhere along the way, I lost it.

And here I am.

Broken.

Not because we are apart.

But because we have been apart for longer than I would like to admit.

Broken.

Because I fought with every ounce of my being - no matter how difficult

And you let the fight exhaust you.

What did I do that made it so easy for you to walk away?

We had so much behind us - so much leverage to move forward

But you just stepped to the side - off of the tracks- as though it was nothing.

You were not only someone I had loved.

You were the person I saw myself loving forever - the person I was willing to fight for forever.

But that was not enough.

You threw in the towel as though it was nothing.

With a nod, you ended us.

And that was that.

Lost

You broke my heart every time you looked at me.

I remember the days as though they were in slow motion.

The days when my thoughts on life would make you think.

Or when my sentiments would make you smile.

But now - my sentiments are excessive, my passions idealistic and dull.

The fire in my heart no longer inspires you.

You looked around and saw the world.

A world that I knew we were too good for.

But to fit was paramount.

You took one look at the world, and I lost you.

Each day after, you looked at me with disdainful eyes.

I was an obstacle - a chaperone on your field trip.

I was not enough - or maybe I was too much.

You picked me apart - each insignificant part of me anyways.

Where you once saw my soul, now all that stood before you was a mannequin.

You used to tell me that I was the most beautiful when I was natural.

No longer.

You used to tell me that I had a beautiful heart.

No longer.

Where you once challenged me to grow as a person, you now challenge me to change my clothes.

You became everything I ran from.

I ran from that world and into your arms - only to be lost in it all once again.

You re-opened old wounds, old insecurities, old feelings.

I was healed, and you had been a part of that.

And then you ripped the scab and let the blood flow all over again.

Somewhere along the way, you lost yourself.

And I lost my best friend.

Acting

You were trapped.

Trapped inside the circumstances suffocating the person I know you are.

You sing, you dance, you smile, you laugh,

Yet you remain muted.

Muted by yourself and by the world.

If you would just be you, you would be perfect.

You would be my perfect match.

You were my perfect match.

But you let the world change your face.

You fit in oh so well.

I wonder now if you fit in so well with the world whether you became a part of it?

Did your front become your soul?

Did the facade become a reality?

Did the mask become your skin?

I miss the person who inspired me to greatness - the one who showed me who I was.

You let me be.

No expectations, only faith.

And then the world showed you that I was not enough.

My old soul and whirring mind is a hindrance.

Well let me tell you something:

The world is wrong.

You showed me who I was, and I will not go back.

The act of normalcy, of contentedness, of sanity - whatever it may be- exhausts my mind and soul.

I see the potential in myself, in the world, and in you.

I will not settle.

While we could have been "fine" with a shell of a life,

I will not settle.

You should not settle.

Oh God, I pray that you don't settle.

You pushed me, you cheered me on, and yes, you led me.

But you weren't along for the ride.

So where are you now?

I pray that you don't settle.

Each moment, once captivating, holds emptiness.

A taste, once exciting yet familiar, is ordinary and foreign.

I listen to our favorite song, and it feels as though I have never heard it before.

Or maybe I have heard it a thousand times, but its meaning has slipped away.

The stories of each day that I grasped so tightly to until I could relay each detail to you, so many miles away, are forgotten.

The reds have dulled to grays.

What have you done to me?

Racing in the Rain

The streets are painted with red and green and yellow.

Rain falls in sheets, not droplets.

The world is made of glass.

My feet are sore from walking, working, dancing,

But all I want to do is run.

Shoes are tossed into the mud, one by one.

And there is only me.

And the world is made of glass.

So I run.

Without a second thought or worry, I run.

No thoughts of who I am supposed to be, but only of who I am.

I run.

Drenched and cold, I am free.

I am free of concern, free of poise, but full of dignity and delight.

This is me.

I have been told that I will be the one that he let go.

But he is the one who let me leave.

I know who I am.

I am a lover.

I am a fighter.

I see beauty in both the unusual and the ordinary.

I see beauty in myself.

I am a learner.

I am a master of thought.

I am still growing.

I am a homebody.

I crave adventure.

I live my dreams.

I am a work in progress.

Most of all, I am who I was made to be.

Each day I am me.

And each day, that is enough.

Terrifying and Beautiful

Cold crisp light bathes a concrete structure with its comfortless embrace.

A door opens and dust dances through the stale air of the simple colorless corridor.

The scent of chalk and turpentine clings to the concrete floor and walls.

She leaves a trail in the coat of nameless substances resting on the table as she runs her dry cracked fingers along its surface.

Canvas pulled carefully over its frame lies waiting in the corner.

Waiting to become something - anything.

This world is gray and stagnant.

This world is dirty, unforgiving, and all-consuming.

Bodies brush against each other as they wander the vast and indistinguishable hallway.

And that is all they are - bodies.

In this world they belong to no one but themselves.

They serve no one but their own mind.

Imaginations rule this world.

Imaginations transform this world.

It is both terrifying and beautiful.